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When the President of the United States is a baby, that requires new baby songs. Consider these updated lullabies:
Twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder what you are. Because the funding for science education got eliminated. So, like, what are you?
This little piggy went to market. This little piggy stayed home. This little piggy had roast beef, which is now $34/slice.
The East Wing is falling down, falling down, falling down. The East Wing is falling down, to build a gold ballroom-bunker.
Head, shoulders, knees, and toes, knees and toes: four things your insurance no longer covers.
All around the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel. The monkey bought the president’s coin. Pop goes the club he emptied his pension to join.
The wheels on JD Vance’s private helicopter go round and round, round and round, the wheels on JD Vance’s private helicopter, to get his kids to golf class.
You put the red votes in, you take the blue votes out, you put the red votes in, and you shake it all about. You do the hokey pokey and you turn the map around. That’s what it’s all about.
Hush, little baby, don’t say a word. You’re Todd Blanche and you’re being asked about Epstein, what occurred?
Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream, which the EPA says is fine, but we still don’t recommend putting your hands in it.
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed. One fell off and bumped his head. Mama called the doctor and the doctor said: “No more monkeys are covered, effective last Tuesday, as per the One Big Beautiful Bill. This phone call will cost you $479.”
Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-eye-ee-eye-oh. And on that farm there was a trade war, and that was kinda the end of it. The family farm. That had existed for eight generations. Bummer.
Where is Thumbkin? Where is Thumbkin? Here I – no. He’s not. He was here on Tuesday. Then ICE showed up.
Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of posies. Ashes, ashes – no, sorry, that’s just the air quality.
Rain, rain, please return. Sorry about the whole “fossil fuels are the only real American fuel” situation. We actually need you. Please. We’re begging for a cloud now. This is where we are.
Rock-a-bye baby, on the treetop. When the wind blows, the bombs start to drop. Over in Iran, another one falls, while Marco Rubio stares out a window, wondering why he’s doing it all.
Are you sleeping, are you sleeping, Mr. President, Mr. President? It’s the middle of a Cabinet meeting. It’s the middle of a press conference. We’re literally at war. The country is on fire. Wake up. WAKE UP. Actually, don’t. It might be better this way. I’d love to sleep the way you do, though. Ambien? Senility? LMK What you’re on. So jealous. Ding, dang, dong. Ding, dang, dong.
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the king’s horses and all the king’s men said, “Honestly? We’re not putting him back together again.” That’s America’s global reputation. Eighty years of alliances, gone. Decades of climate regulation, over. Centuries of pluralistic ideals, kaput. Some things don’t un-crack. We may never recover from this. And you know what? All things must end. Humpty, American democracy, Grey’s Anatomy. All things must end.
If you’re happy and you know it, check the news.
Ginny Hogan is a stand-up comedian and writer. Her debut stand-up special, "Regression," is now streaming on Amazon Prime, and her satirical book (written with Carlos Greaves), Obey in Advance, was just published.
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Ginny Hogan read my new book OBEY IN ADVANCE written with Carlos Greaves. Also doing stand up, links to everything here: https://linktr.ee/ginnyhogan
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